home sweet home

ah,home! I`v been at the hospital in Førde for a few days-stay. Yup,thats right,i was going to Bergen,but change in planes since i got more ill then usual.. spend the last 4days there.
I came home 2hours ago,and here i am at my computer allready;O just wanna update my blog a littlebit, and then i`ll go and lie down for a while.
i feel sick, a bit sad and a million times more tired.. tired of hospitals&doctors.tired of not living like a normal person.tired of this life.tired..yeah i`m tired allright. and i have school on my mind all day long,i cant stop worrying about school,all the homework i should be doing and all the tests coming up at the end of this semester - and i, of all people.. i wanna become a doctor, study medicine.thats my dream!wake up Regine, ain`t happening. or, at least i have to prepare myself on the fact that my dream might not become true - maybe i should start looking for other suggestions.. (no i dont want to become a nurse!)but maybe physio therapist, or sosionom(dont know the word in english,kinda sociologist.) or work in the lab in the hospital,bloodbank.but i dont know.. tss.
at this point , i`m very confused.. and when the doctors never find out what exactly`s wrong with me and they look at me with this look, and i can see on their faces that they dont honestly believe in everything i say.. and they look at my journal - i know that at once they read that i`v been at the hospital several times without finding out whats wrong with me,taking all these tests without any answars. when they cant find out what it is, it`s not them doing a crappy job or me having some rare illness,but they put me in this box.. and no matter what i say, or vomit blood or faint .. they automatically think it`s psychic, just in my head. And they pass it forward to the psychiatric clinic so they`ll get rid of me.. but i so know in my heart that this is not in my head - and a shrink knocked her hand in the table and said that she was convinced that this was physical and not psychic! even if she said that.. at this point i wonder.. am i mad? am i just totally making everything up to get attention or pity? am i a "hypoconder", am i just pretending all the time? i could be. but i think Not. Would i waste my life since i was in the 6th grade,12 years old until now.. 9years together just to get attention?would i sacriface all these years, i could be halfway to becoming a doctor! would i lie in bed day in and day out , while my friends were out having fun?would i do all this, make up a lie to everyone and manage to live with it??would i? No. i often have to ask myself all these questions,
and then i`m not confused anymore,
until the next person gives me this look.