hush - im ill and i need rest. wont be blogging for some days now.

whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop

it has come to the point were i feel like i cant take it any longer - something has to happen - but it`s standing perfectly still. ..im not handeling it as good as i hoped for. i think, maybe i would handle it better, if i wasnt as surrounded by it as i am. i try my best to avoid it - but it seems like it`s impossible to not get in touch with 'it' in some way. i always meet someone, get reminded of it by someone. i feel terrible when i meet these particular persons that this contains - their so snugly&kind to me cause their unknowable,and i fear what they`ll think of me when they`ll find out.it could be in three days or three weeks for what i know.all this waiting around and acting like everything`s allright is whats killing me.no, it is not about love this time.------ it doesnt matter what it is, the thing is that im about to go mad. i have nothing to hide,i`ve been told im doing the only right thing - but i dunno,it sure doesnt feel good, i`ve done nothing wrong
- then why does it feel like it?

my parents got divorced a few years ago - but it feels like yesterday. cause it still effect me that much. age doesnt matter, u`ll always need ur parents either ur 4 or 40years old (or in my case 21). It is not only parents who needs to know their kids doing allright - we also need to know their ok .. it breaks my heart knowing my mum`s alone. ofcourse she has friends and family supporting her, she is quite busy during the day with her work, big house and garden-
but not having this other person to share everything with, like having dinner with that someone, talking about how the day has been and have breakfast in the morning together. all the small things. to know even if ur alone that ur not alone. my boyfriend recently dumped me,and im torn apart - it was 'only' 7months - she`s been married 30years.i cant imagine how it is - my heart is bleeding for her. i know it must be hard for my dad too, to be that person who`s hurt her and let us down. i love them both - and even if it`s a silly&dupe thought, i ofcourse as their child still wish they`ll get together again and that everything is to be good in the end. it is a struggle. my dad is in ireland n`my mum in norway.it seems like im wasting my wishes,but..
if i could have one, just one wish it would not be me to recover my illness, or my lovelife to get back on track. no, if i could have one single wish it would be
that they got back together n` that they`ll love eachother n`live happily ever after. cause their my foundation wall.

(thoughts from last night) normally my concentration is quite good and i have no problem focusing whatsoeva. but sometimes i just vanish into this world were i c everything from a diffrent angle. suddenly a thread is more interesting then my notes, i have a very important test tomorrow - i have to read! hey look, on the outside of my window it`s a fly stuck in a cobweb, it is twisting and fighting for it`s life.in the opposite corner of the net, a black n`fat spider is sitting.. watching the fly who`s about to give up. swet n` exhausted i can imagine. Focus girl, jeeh! how hard can it be? and in a sec im playing with my pencil at the table, making it roll off the edge -then replacing it on top of the book again. rolling, rolling, rolling, roll. catch. replace. rolling, rolling, ro. FOCUS! sometimes im like a child. u cant get me to do or say anything at all that make sense. sometimes, like i was yesterday. going to do the test now in 10minutes, it wont turn out good im afraid cause of my lousy 'reading' yesterday.
hey, what happens if i push this bu..

how come recently dumped people pretend their doing great when their x is around? when i say i love him, why do most of u advice me to play hard to get? why play hard to get for someone who`s dumped u?just gotta try to go on. why do people expose themselves for things they dont wanna hear or c? how come when i finally love someone, he doesnt love me.. why couldnt i love someone else instead? how come theres always more questions then answars? why do i continue asking these questions,when i know there is no answar. -- how come others advicing u like they knew more about ur situation then u do..how come other people knowing best and lecture u about life? well ..that is how people r. that is how i am.we r good on advicing others and they often make alot of sense too,maybe the reason we give`em away is because their often too hard to follow. -- my advice to u is to follow ur heart, dont listen to other people or let they affect u - do not pretend or do things people advice u to do if it doesnt feel right.gotta feel right! - my advice is: be u - that is what i am doing. i cant say im happy right now, but at least i stand for everything i do, and im being me.
(and if this was crap to ur ears, dont suck it in-ignore it n`dont let it affect u.)

Happy birthday :)

Today it is Norway`s constitution day. u should come the 17th of May to Norway! thousands come out of their homes and businesses and parade through the streets of towns and cities to the sound of brass bands(corps) and celebration, blowing whistles, waving flags, singing songs,shouting "Hurrah, hurrah", eating ice-cream n`generally behaving like there was no tomorrow. a confused foreigner once said it was the weirdest thing he had ever witnessed, "like a cross between the carnival in Rio and a military parade in Moscow". so don't think u know what to expect!
all through the country there are barnetog, parades composed of school children, n' other parades of all kinds. it is an occasion for the shy norwegian to come out of his cave and dress up in his finest apparel, and everywhere u turn u are bound to catch glimpses of the beautiful national costumes or bunad from the various regions of the country, brought out of the cupboard where they are kept for most of the year.(where i live we have the "sognebunad",u can get it in six diffrent colours on the west. my mum in her bunad, mum.) after the parade people go to church(tradition), and then afterwards it is a speach outside by someone about how it was before, about this day and the future.
if the weather is good and the sun is shining there are often outdoor games, competitions and shows of various kinds.. often at the school they belong to - the weather is fine back here in Leirvik(Hyllestad kommune) today - it is sunny,but a bit chilly though.
I`ve inherited the bunad my grandmother had(my fathers mother) - so i dont have the sognebunad as the others have, i have 'Oslodrakt' - i'm not wearing it today actually, i have lost too much weight and have to adjust it till next time.(pic from last year.)

yesterday it was totally monday. u can see it and feel it.. people r more tired then usual. either their very methodical n`hung up on everything their gonna do in the next days to come or their so tired that they dont do anything at all n`their hair and clothes r dowdy. if u asked around, most of the answars would be "i hate mondays". i dont mind mondays, i cant find it diffrent in any way. if u c it from another point of view; each day is the first day in a week,a week from then. i'm feelin'blue today. this tuesday is blue to me+everything n' everyone it contains. call it saturday, eastersunday, monday.. the name of the day doesnt matter or affect me at all. but there r a few persons that matter and who`s able to affect my mood and make me smile and forget about it all. i wish i had one of them next to me now.

what would u do without music? i`d go insane,thats for sure. maybe i'm too addicted?inbetween silence is wonderful, but most of the time i have the tv on, the stereo or radio, mp3player when i'm out walking or travelling n so on.
teenagers seek music as an outlet from problems in life, yet the media and parents believe that rap and rock music is to blame for teenager's problems.. rap is being blamed for the murders and crimes in cities all over the world, and rock is being blamed for giving teens evil thoughts mixed with hate. rap lyrics are about the rappers societies problems - so if a person does not like the lyrics, change the suburbs in large cities to make the lyrics better! rock lyrics is all about the soul. lyrics from rock music are deeper than any other type of music out today. that is why the music is so widespread. music is the universal language, and that is why all music is important to someone.
the last mp3`s i`ve played:
jet - cold hard bitch, are you going to be my girl
coheed&cambria - the suffering
the arctic monkeys - from the ritz to the rubble, when the sun goes down

mary j blige n u2 - one love

the doors - love me two times

red hot chili peppers - dani california

kaizers orchestra - blitzregn baby

what a day, what a view!



me and eldrid`s shoes. i like summerly footgear.sweet.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 ,13 ,14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

how long will it last.. how long before that empty feeling fades away?
u try to go about ur daily routine, try not to think about it too much. but it keeps coming back, sweeping over u like a wave - that feeling in the pit of ur stomach - u suck in a big breath of air. How long am i going to feel this way.i have this intense pain. it`s giving me a hard time ,i`m so stuffed up with 'feelings' that i`m afraid my skin is gonna explode. i wonder.. would it help to cut up my chest so all my grief, sorrow and longing could pour out?i think not,but at the same time i can imagine it would.

humans can be tough creatures.
attack my health, and i can recover.
attack my job or finances, and i can find a way to pull through.
attack my pride and i grow thicker skin.
..but wound my heart, and u leave me devastated.
few things in this world hurt like a broken heart. it's the blow that u never see coming: a longtime friend turns their back on u. someone u love rejects u.. somebody u've let into the deepest, most private corners of ur heart says or does something to hurt u where u're most vulnerable.
- r we willing to throw out the joy that relationships can bring to avoid the possibility of pain down the road? is it possible to experience love without the fear of loss and hurt, without the fear that we'll be let down in the end? can we find love that doesn't have strings attached?
that's the heart of the question, isn't it? so what's the answer?

this will sharpen ur appetite ;)

pics from today`s trip: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, + 9 (windy&sharp sun)
my mum, Sissel m., Eldrid and me.

some times, seldom - but sometimes u wake up knowing this day will be tiring. even if u do all the things u use to, the same breakfast, put on the same makeup or ur favourite clothes, even if u do things u usually like to do - it`s not the same. some times everything is a struggle and ur self-confidence is a mess, the mirror is ur enemy and u feel like u r way out of track considering ur goals in life.suddenly u have so much on ur mind,so much to achieve and not the time or strength to fulfill it. the worst thing about these kinda days, is the people around u that doesnt know ur having a bad day, and they react on ur behaviour and doesnt understand why ur in that silly mood.. cause hanging with people who`s having a bad day sucks,i know! and the one who`s having the bad day knows it too - and then it`s even worse. some times i feel like this, and i always try to ignore it,but it`s there all day long, it is a challenge both for me and the people surrounding me. today is a day like that.